MasterChef SG Appreciation Post/ Season 1 Episode 7 Recap PART 2 of 2

It's dark times in the Masterchef Singapore Kitchen as all light and brightness have been evicted along with Sharon's hair, and with that my hopes and dreams of an all-female final 3. But we have to push on in spite of dark times, this is the inherent wisdom of our moment in history. 

We're BACK in the now kind of spookily too-big competition hall. This calls for a brief pause to consider the ambitions and talents that once came to life in this zhenged-up home econs classroom. Let's at this point remember such characters as Diana Queen of the Home Cooks, Auntie Nicholas of the Kingdom of Pomenagrates (sic), SWTGH of the Nasi Ulam Istimewa, recently evicted; Sowmiya of the Vegetarians forced to work with sweetbreads to show the judges versatility, Joshua and Vidhya the two kickass Indian cooks who were eliminated together during the #Chineseprivilege challenge, and Aaron Wong who? (jk, Aaron Wong Prince of Tuiles). 

Anyway, everyone's feeling very limber after yesterday's close encounter with the ghost of empire past & present, i.e. Marco Pierre White, and when the judges announce that today's challenge is for the contestants to cook whatever the hell they want, I'm reaching for the lube and popcorn. I mean, yes, this is gonna be the Olympics Figureskating of Masterchef challenges. By which I mean it's gonna be camp as tits with these mofos turning out every signature move in their book, complete with Anime Transformation Background Music + live Bjorn commentary. "Look everyone, did Shams just make Achar in 5 minutes? Wait, what, Gen, is that the beginning of a Salted Egg Lobster Thermidor? Zander, that Fettuccine Alfredo sure is looking... white, oh wait, it's CHENDOL?" In other words, someone get me a hot towel!

So they run into the mini Cold Storage (side note: I'm more of a Sheng Shiong girl myself, the vegetables are fresher), and start grabbing as much as they can within 3 minutes. Shams is gonna make some kind of snazzy twist on Satay with mod-European touches, Gen is gonna turn out Vietnamese braised meat tortellini, and Zander is going to make.... pasta. DUH.

1) At this point, I literally had to pause Toggle, shriek, and laugh for 3 minutes. I really hate being right about things, but this cutie-patootie has literally made the entire #hipstercafe repertoire by this point, and this is going to be the cherry on top of his sundae of risottos, pastas, and chocolate cake. But I mean, power to him, the guy makes his own fresh pasta.

2) Shams throwing literally everything in Cold Storage into her basket makes me very nervous that there's going to be some kind of wastage penalty on this challenge, but that's just me being very auntie. 

Anyway, they're all looking very happy with their shopping when suddenly the judges drop a massive stinkbomb: EVERYONE EXCHANGE BASKETS. Jeng jeng jeng, it's a surprise mystery box challenge! I literally did not see this coming-- call me naive, or an inexperienced watcher of reality TV, but I was genuinely prepared for some high-level figure skating, not whatever the fuck this is going to be. I hate twists! Can't we just do the things we say we're going to do anymore? Fuck this shit!

It's a pretty brilliant twist, but my favourite part about it is how shady everyone gets about each other's baskets. Of special note is:

1) Gen clocking the shit out of Zander's basket which consists essentially of flour, cream, and butter. I was in hysterics. I've not been a big fan of Gen's this entire season, but she's really redeemed herself for me with such zingers as "this basket has no nuance," and "it's basically a pantry". Oh my god, sis, preach it to the mayonnaise! BLAND ASS BASKET.

2) Zander staring agape at Sham's basket like he's never seen Southeast Asian produce in his life is basically the great Singapore Culture Divide, i.e. "Wooow, what is this brand new world of flavour Shams?" In a particularly touching moment of cross-cultural encounter, he holds up a buah salak, fondles it semi-erotically in his hand, and considers its deeper meaning. What does this mean about his own constitution? His sense of self? Can white subjectivity survive the tropics?

3) Shams starts to worry me at this point when she fishes through Gen's basket in search of her own. Gurl, you are more inventive than this! Figure something else out! You turned Assam Pedas Sauce into Sambal Tumis, you made pickled Salak out of nowhere, you are a sorceress! But now she has no cumin, and the clouds turn a little grey. 

Anyway, it's game on! 

1) Zander's Special Safari Adventure continues as he starts listing down the stuff he does recognise with a note of wistful nostalgia for the summer of 1902 at the Raffles Hotel: "coriander, galangal, coconut... I know, I'll make a green curry with grilled lamb! And I'll put in whatever the hell this fruit is! Ah, native cooking." Cheers to Zander for improvising, it was truly a master-stroke of strategic gameplay, but let's face it: Shams put the whole fucking rempah section of Cold Storage in her basket, and loaded it up with everything you'd need to make food taste good. You anyhow hantam, throw everything into a blender, tumis for a bit, you'll get something good, with enough to keep for tomorrow.

2) To be honest I lost track of whatever it was Gen was making, but I think it was hard to focus because it didn't look like there was any ingredient on the table except flour. Seriously, though, this is not the first time Zander has fucked over his fellow contestants. I think back to the mystery meat challenge, when he emerged from the kitchen having picked sweetbreads for everyone to work with. I wanted so badly to wipe that self-satisfied smirk off his face. It was clear at that point that literally no one else in the room had ever eaten sweetbreads, let alone cooked with them, and that was a real flashpoint in class and race relations for me on the show. 

2.i) But anyway, I digress. Gen is breaking down from the weight that is structural oppression. Her pasta dough won't roll out, it doesn't look like she might be able to plate anything, and I'm actually sobbing along with her. Audra, bless her heart, comes over, and in a moment of truly beautiful female solidarity, tells Gen: Sis, put the dough down, let go of your anger, and think of a way forward through his mess that this boy has left you in. I want Audra in my life to get me through the toughest of moments, and also #AudraforPresident. 

3) Shams is chugging along as she always does, putting together a sambal velouté to go with her sous-vide beef that she's gonna finish with a satay rempah. I mean, let's pause at this genius right here. What calm, poise, and equanimity, and vision in the face of adversity. With poor Gen crying into her pasta dough at the back, my money is clearly on a Zander-Shams final 2 at this point, which is like a showdown for the future of our food culture. NO MORE HIPSTER CAFE BULLSHIT. 

Time's up, and here we go. Side note here to advise everyone on my mental and cardiac health at this point in the episode: it is not good. Also, my stomach is lurching, and I have a very bad feeling. Something about the edit feels VERY SNEAKY, and having watched enough Ru Paul's Drag Race to know that all bets are off if someone is breaking down in tears, I'm going into this adjudication with my adult diapers and man-sized Kleenex. 

1) Zander rocks up with, will you believe it, a platter of Southeast Asian Home Cooking. I wish I had one of those klaxon effects I could sound every time I had to do a total recall to Diana Queen of the Home Cooks, but what the fuck is this?! Green Curry with Portobello Mushrooms and Salak, Coriander Rack of Lamb, and fluffy Thai omelette. I mean, power to him for turning this out, but this looks like a particularly adventurous contribution to the undergraduate international student exchange potluck. Or "whatever auntie could throw together into the curry without going to the store plus some egg and rice, eh got lamb in the freezer, so good". And then Damien, whose favourite fruit we already know is salak because Shams got there first, closes his eyes, and pronounces the curry: Zander's Curry. Just because Zander used salak in green curry means he invented his own curry?! This. Is. Not. A. Thing. But the judges love it and it's clear he's in.

2) I'm seething as Shams goes up, and I'm crying and screaming at the screen YOU'D BETTER WORK GURL CUZ YOU ALREADY BEEN ROBBED. Her food looks amazing, plated to perfection, but not without some patronising shade from Bjorn who says "your effort with the plating is really good for an amateur cook". Sis, sit down, this woman is going places we don't even know about yet. Anyway, Shams has made Sous Vide Satay Beef with Sambal Velouté and Shimeji Mushrooms (say that 50 times), and a Ginger & Lemongrass Bubur Terigu with Edible Soil. Pause, everyone. She did it again. Out of nowhere, literally plucked from another dimension, a sublime dessert of incredible complexity, with a fancy garnish element. 

Stop the recap, just, stop. This was the Olympics Figureskating I came for. Do we need to see who goes into the final 2? What final 2? You mean this isn't Masterchef Shamsydar the Animated Series where every week Shams pulls confections of increasing difficulty out of the ether? No? It isn't? She's still up for, what, adjudication? Okay, sorry.

2) i) SADLY, Bjorn hates her sambal velouté and describes it as ketchupy, while Audra goes in for the more sophisticated "it's not quite what you were going for". Also, her sous-vide beef was over-done on the finishing sear. Nevermind the perfect silkiness of that velouté or the mind-boggling deliciousness of that bubur terigu. This is that moment in Olympics Figureskating when after a series of sublime acrobatics, your hero falls just once and is forever marked by that one mistake. Forget the quads and the leaps and the spins and the musical choreography, it's all about that overcooked beef. We should as a matter of course be eating less beef anyway, so suck it. 

2) ii) SHAMS, why did you overcook your beef?!

3) I think we all know where this is heading now because Gen is one of those people who cries but turns it out anyway, like that girl in your class who says she can't cope with schoolwork and then transfers to RGS. From the depths of white blandness, Gen has lifted out Cashew Ravioli and a Chocolate Tart with Szechuan Peppercorns. This is a mildly messiahnic moment, I will grant it to her, and if I'd been stanning for her this entire season, this would be a lot more effusive. But still, what's that I hear? #hipstercafe #hipstercafe #hipstercafe... Damian, all for the hyperbole this episode, closes his eyes, and mutters like a true anime Senpai: "you have Italian blood"

3)i) First of all, ew, what? What kind of antiquated cultural essentialism is this? As if we don't already live in a world completely saturated by white cultural and gastronomic exports, only to believe that to cook vaguely convincing XYZ food requires XYZ blood. I know plenty of Singaporeans who don't even know how to make chicken curry from scratch or cook rice for that matter, and an antidote to THAT antipathy to our local cuisine was what this show promised me from the get-go, not this marco polo bullshit. 

4) Rant OVER. Kumbaya, sis, your dish was great, blah blah, I'm so cranky at this point because by dint of a stupid challenge mechanism it's clear my darling Shams, queen of the night, rempah sorceress, and Sambal Warrior, is in trouble. When, after his glowing review, Zander thanks Shams for her basket, I'm like, YOU OFFER HER YOUR PLACE RIGHT NOW. 

5) TRUE ENOUGH. GUYS.

It's over, the Shams Express, the Shams Around the World Luxury Cruise Liner, the Shams Saga, has come to an end. I knew something was wrong when the lavender in my garden shrivelled up and died on Sunday morning. I don't have enough energy to express how few fucks I now give about this show that I've come to love so much. Diana Queen of Home Cooks. SWTGH. And now Shams.

6) Let's take to heart Sham's parting words, which I think are instructive. MILLENNIALS OF SINGAPORE, STOP COMPLAINING THAT YOU MISS YOUR MOTHER'S COOKING. GET COOKING! Oh my god, she delivered that with so much genuine passion, chutzpah, and conviction, I was stirred, I was shook, and I was inspired to go make some laksa for dinner. 

BITCH, this competition was not a big enough vessel for your genius, your vision, and your talent, and you better go out there and shake up this country's food culture, wrest it back from the cold clammy hands of hipster cafes islandwide! No more sage & brown butter, give us the sambal of life with herbs we grow in our flats, spices we can get for $1 a truckload, and chilis the colour of our indignation!

I have no words, where's my teh halia, where's my vodka. 

As a matter of principle, I am going to do a recap for the finale, which from the looks of the cheesy-af promo is going to be Iron Chef Singapore. But is my heart in it anymore? No. Good luck Gen and Zander, but IDGAF. Peace out.