MASTERCHEF SINGAPORE S02E03 RECAP!!!

I'm not going to lie: I briefly considered retiring this recap series because this season of Masterchef has been KIND OF MEH so far. Weird challenge mechanics, RuPaul's drag race reality TV editing, generic dishes... it's lost something.

And the first half of this episode is COMPLETELY that, only, and you have to trust me here, to be triumphantly redeemed by the second half. In fact, I left today's episode going: FUCKING FINALLY, some CULTURE, some PIZAZZ, some LIFE, and CREATIVITY, and SINGAPORE FLAVOURS. Sadly we're going to have to wade through the first half to get there, which I'll try to do in as summary and entertaining a fashion as possible, which trust me, is very hard to do for what is essentially half an hour of people panicking over canapés, which on any given day is literally the dictionary definition of: COULD NOT CARE LESS. 

Team Challenge!

We kick off the episode at the Fullerton Bay Hotel, so you know this is going to be some bougie bullshit. True enough the judges announce it's going to be a team challenge where competing teams fight to devise and execute a HIGH TEA menu in 3 hours. This is that classic Masterchef challenge where the teams compete to put out two menus to a large group of diners, who then vote on which menu they prefer. Last season, if you'll remember, the contestants battled it out to cook a school lunch for a bunch of screaming school children, which was actually genuinely exciting and quite heart-warming, and saw the teams really turn out hearty, soulful fare. Two classic moments came out of that episode: Shams morphing into some demented orientation group leader cheer master woman and screaming at the children to get the vibes going, and Sharon Gonzago with the Good Hair screaming at no one in particular "GREMOLATA! I'LL MAKE A GREMOLATA" as she rushed to save a lacklustre braise. So. Much. SCREAMING!!!

Sadly, no such high-octane energies this time. It's a pandemic! We're going to have to settle for prissy high tea this season which, you know, someone get me some wine it's going to be a long one. Let's just say I don't necessarily think of culinary high-jinks when I think of high-tea, I'm mostly there to day-drink and eat copious amounts of dry-ass finger sandwiches. Audra assures us, though, that Singapore is "renowned for its high tea," which okay if you say so sis, but I'm not convinced. I've been to the Fullerton Bay for its high tea, incidentally, and all I remember of it, if I'm being perfectly honest, is the free-flow prossecco and having to flag the reluctant servers for more when it came near closing time. 

Anyway: the teams are divided into red and blue. The Red Team is led by Mitchelle of the Chili Earrings, who's assigned with making an "Asian" high tea menu, and the Blue Team is led by Vasun, who's tasked with doing the "Western" high tea menu. At this point are we even surprised/bothered/fussed/pressed/whatever about these ASININE categories? I'm not, no one is. 

The teams busy away planning out their menus with Mahjong paper like it's a corporate team-building exercise, and both elect to make super over-complicated sounding selections that include, off the top of my head: mini eclairs, de-constructed pear tart, crab-meat cigars, confit tomato crostini, mango lassi... From the sound of it, based completely off my experience of a number of high tea selections in Singapore, this is far too ambitious. Where are the dry-ass cucumber sandwiches? The from-frozen open faced tartlets stuffed with mystery meat? The cheap smoked salmon on stone-hard crackers? The leftover-from-dinner roast beef? If we're trying to go for an authentic Singapore high tea, which more often than not is a total and utter grift, I think we've completely missed the mark here. Kudos to the contestants for being better people than most.

Anyway as an extra surprise, mystery mentors arrive in the form of Season 1 grand finalists: Gen, who's looking well grown up and like she's seem some very dark shit since her time on Masterchef, and Zander, who's, NGL, looking very very sexy. I thought, initially, that their inclusion was mostly gimmicky and that they'd just stand around making ra-ra noises to add to the reality TV high-jinks, but given how FUCKING CHAOTIC this challenge becomes, they really end up running this show. Gen in particular, comes down hard on her team (the Western team) like an unimpressed, recently-graduated school band senior who CANNOT believe how far the standards have dropped. 

Honestly, the chaos in the kitchen is very hard to summarise in any detail. Basically, a few things start to go very wrong. What you need to know is: Oon, who on episode one wowed us all with his eclair special, is tasked with making the mini eclairs, because obviously. But after setting aside his choux batter for later, he goes around to help other people which is a classic reality TV bad omen, almost as bad as "Asian guy in a horror movie goes to check out the weird noise in the basement". It's kind of tragic, because they zoom in on him tasting his batter and blithely, almost whimsically, going "hmm needs more lavender" (famous last words), and you kind of know he's in for a real shitshow later.

In the meantime, he gets embroiled in some very messy Aioli business, which is technically the responsibility of Trish, who's tasked with making the crabmeat cigars, but is too busy... doing something, idk, it's not clear: chopping chives, killing crabs, beats me. Whatever it is she's doing, she's being PRESSED by team-leader Vasun who is basically doing her job and her best Gordon Ramsay by asking for updates and shit. But the way it's been edited it looks like Vasun won't get off Trish's back, which, you know, I would be too because all Trish seems to be doing in this challenge is whining about things not working. "SHUTUP!" Trish says snarkily in the confessional cutaway, which is, yknow, don't be rude to teacher! At the end of this debacle: the Aioli simply refuses to emulsify, so it's reduced to this gross Mama Lemon like consistency, and Oon's choux completely fucks itself, and the lamb meatballs (wait WHAT lamb meatballs? I'm as surprised as you, where did those come from?) are TOO HARD. 

On the other side of the kitchen, in the Asian section, the big drama revolves around whether or not Ganesh's lamb will cook in time. He's doing some kind of prata-stuffed-with-pulled-spiced-lamb thing. The way he's boiling that thing there's no doubt in my mind it'll be reduced to shreds in no time, but they really turn this into something with the suspense level of a true crime documentary. Zander stands by and shakes his head worriedly, Zephyr nervously suggests they come up with a Plan B if the lamb doesn't work out ("let's just used some canned crab?"), and there are too many unappetising close-up shots of boiling lamb. My question: IS THERE NOT A PRESSURE COOKER IN THIS KITCHEN? I feel like this team is doing better only because everyone is minding their own business, doing their own thing, which feels, I dunno, just a touch more like a professional kitchen, but probably makes for less entertaining TV. 

Sidenote here to how stressful I know this situation to be. A few years ago, a few of my drag queen sisters and I did a charity cook-out in a commercial kitchen and let's just say the logic of home cooking does NOT translate to the reality of feeding 60 people. Nothing works, everything falls apart, and if there's anything that needs to be prepared fresh to serve, it's game over. One common refrain in this challenge is: "well I've made this for 2 people but not 60 so (nervous laughter)". Multiply that by the stress of having to make 60 perfect prissy little high tea portions. I find myself getting really anxious watching this, but it's probably also because the producers have edited this like an Avengers movie and there are FAR too many reality-TV sword-slashing drama sound effects and thumping minor-key chords.

Meanwhile, the guests have arrived. Audra had previously described this as a selection of "high tea aficionados," which, someone hold my wine. How are "high tea aficionados" selected? Is there a newsletter? Monthly meetings? Anyway, the camera cuts to the arrival of the guests, some of the most pompously dressed twats I've seen in a while, and from the looks of it, "high tea aficionados" basically just means rich people, which, you know, gross but not inaccurate. I am shocked and offended, however, by the complete absence of gaggles of Chanel-wearing Japanese tai tais, because that is basically 90% of the high tea market in Singapore. How is this a legitimate test audience without Japanese tai tais bitching about other Japanese tai tais?

Anyway it's crunch time. On team Western: Oon stares despondently at his failed choux, and Gen swoops in here with the no-nonsense impatience of a secondary school senior who's seen it all: "uh... just make French toast lah, you can see right, it's so much faster," and when Oon, reluctant at first, finally agrees, she makes a really amazing "duh wtf" face that I legit have not seen since I was an actual teenager. It's all very sad, though, because the French toast, cream, and compote just slops about messily on the plate. He says it looks like the "dog's breakfast" but really him being a dentist I expected him to reach for something more, well, oral-hygiene related, like the water you spit out in between cleanings? Gross, I know, sorry. 

Anyway: the tragic radioactive-yellow aioli that's meant to accompany the crab cigars is resolutely disgusting to look at, it drips and dribbles like the really gross lemon butter sauce they used to serve at Fish & Co, remember that? But team-leader Vasun, who at this point is all school-teacher practicality bossily tells Trish, who's been feeling very indignant this whole time ("I'm not some primary school kid okay?"), to just serve it up. Cut to confessional and Trish is all "ugh whatever" side-eye, and you know the producers are setting up a "this is Vasun's fault" angle, though... is it? 

Anyway the food goes out and our "high tea aficionados" have lots of sophisticated things to say, like "I really liked it" and "it was very hard" and "it was very nice". Thankfully, the judges have better adjectives. "I could eat this any day," says Damian in his characteristic compliment formulation, as he eats... honestly who cares at this point? Both menus have highs and lows. In a surprise to no one, Ganesh's vigorously-boiled lamb is cooked, and is a hit. There's a slightly problematic moment here where the judges are like "I bet this [PRATA AND CURRY LAMB SITUATION] is Ganesh's [beCauSe hE's InDiAn]" and walk it back going "it'd be very awkward if it wasn't" which, no shit Sherlock, but maybe they knew it was Ganesh's 'cuz he was staring so hard at the pot for the entire 3 hours the lamb was boiling that he'd probably turned it into a horcrux. 

Some of the desserts are genuinely lovely to look at. Derek, on team Asia, has made a gorgeous sort of Mango Lassi dessert soup flavoured with bunga kantan (torch ginger flower) which is always a plus in my books. Damian thinks so too, and declares it a master-stroke. Nor has turned out a lovely de-constructed pear tart which looks incredibly finessed and delicious. Predictably, Oon's last-minute French toast extravaganza fails to impress.

The prissy brunch aficionados (amongst them some beloved alums from Season 1 who get NOT ENOUGH AIRTIME) cast their votes, and it's a wild margin in favour of the Asian team. Honestly it had looked pretty evenly stacked to me, so I was shocked the Western team did so badly. But the Asian team did turn out slightly more imaginative fare, maybe 'cuz the notion of an Asian high tea is, well, kinda interesting considering there was a time none of these hotels would've let Asian people in for afternoon tea in the first place. And that is my hot take.

So sadly Vasun's blue team, dejected and angry, is up for the elimination round, which isn't all that sad because THIS is the first really good cook of the season so far.

Elimination Round!

The judges open the elimination round with a treatise on Singapore noodles. "This," they yell at a plate of dry-ass looking Singapore noodles sitting in front of them, "is Singapore noodles, but NO ONE IN SINGAPORE EVEN KNOWS WHAT IT IS!" They each take turns verbally abusing the noodles, and I actually start to feel a little bad for the noodles after a while. If I were the noodles I'd be like, fuck off assholes I'm literally just here minding my own business being a perfectly competent and edible plate of fried bee hoon, take your repressed national identity crises elsewhere!!

Damian gives a stern lecture on the origins of the dish: ACTUALLY THIS WAS INVENTED IN HONG KONG, he says, very Moses Lim in Under One Roof-like. But, he continues, because Singapore was more exotic back then, the chefs called it "Singapore noodles" to make it sound more appealing. This is 100% a theory I can get behind, because I think much the same kind of logic applies to things like the Singapore Sling and, to be fair, any number of Singapore classics that are used to sell the Singapore brand internationally. It's ironic that Damian talks about this as if it's not something we continue to do today, but let's leave it for now.

The CHALLENGE, then, is for the contestants to come up with an original national dish WORTHY of Singapore. This is a slightly strange and problematic formulation, and is perhaps the culinary equivalent of every time there's some attempt to make a new national outfit for Miss Singapore Universe to appear on the global stage in. Inevitably, it's some monstrous Frankenstein costume that looks like someone took various STB campaign posters and glued them together plus orchids. In these "represent Singapore in one aesthetic form" challenges there's always some need to "include all the races" in a completely inorganic and hokey way. Here Damian puts it more precisely, "as long as there are two or three ethnicities in the dish, that's Singaporean". This is Nobel prize winning cultural analysis.

Also, this challenge is silly because no one ACTUALLY thinks Singapore noodles are Singapore's national dish, so it's not like we need to invent one to replace it... it's a bit of a straw-man argument (and again, I feel kinda bad for the noodles, #justiceforSingaporeNoodles).   

I mean I get the logic of this challenge, silly as it is, and ultimately it's a way to force the contestants to be inventive while also incorporating Singapore flavours in their dishes. As it turns out this "national dish" criteria helps us get a little more insight into what "elevation" means, which if you'll remember is the central mystery of Masterchef Singapore, and every week like it's my goal to unearth a little more clarity on the matter. 

Anyway there's a mad rush for the pantry. Everyone starts rinsing the seafood section of prawns such that when poor Leon gets there he sees that Trish has "taken the last 4 prawns" which to me seems really unfair: doesn't an open pantry mean no one should be left behind? Poor Leon starts having a complete panic attack and starts making anime panic whimpering sounds which is just so hearbreaking. But with a little encouragement from Damian, he gets back on his feet and reveals that he's making his aunty's cucumber curry with deep-fried pork. Now, I never knew that cucumber curry was a thing before today, but this turns out beautifully, a kind of light tamarind curry with tender chunks of cucumber with just a bit of bite. This is now something I'm absolutely going to try to make at home. Leon reveals himself as the dark horse of this round: mostly silent during the high tea bonanza, and seen panicking for the better part of this elimination round, he's the very picture of quiet dedication, capability, and humility. With only 5 minutes to go, he saves his deep-fried pork from burning in the too-hot fat by expertly battering it, a quick move that is so impressive to watch. When the judges love his dish, his delight is palpable, and well-earned. More Leon please!

Vasun is making a seafood pilaf with Southeast Asian elements like prawn-head oil, a rich seafood stock, and a kerabu salad. To my mind, this is her challenge to win: it's 100% her territory, and she's assured, confident, and SASSY. "To me, seafood says Singapore, because we're an island," she says, which I really like because it manages to elide all the naff CMIO BS going around while also being fundamentally true. 

Nor is making some kind of fried banana cake with pineapple compote, which the judges are a little nervous about. I can't imagine why: it sounds fucking delicious. Audra says something a little strange about it as she and Bjorn discuss the dishes on offer: "Vasun's dish is sophisticated and smart," they say, "and really captures the essence of Singapore" BUT, Audra adds bizarrely, Nor's offering she's less sure about: "it's not going to travel well, someone's going to have to recreate what she makes to make it easily accessible" and I literally have to pause the video and replay it a few times to make sure I'm hearing what I'm hearing. What does that even mean? Why does a new Singaporean national dish have to be "accessible," and why does it have to "TRAVEL WELL"?

Isn't the whole point of this challenge that something like Singapore noodles is a bastardisation of the complexity of our food culture, its only defining feature being "curry powder," which is like a cheap and, well, "accessible" way to evoke the complexity of Singapore flavours? As usual, in these clumsy tussles between elevation and authenticity, no one has any clear idea what on earth we're looking for. I mean, the idea that a national dish should "travel well" makes sense insofar as it is also something that's easily turned into a cliché. It becomes that one easily-citable thing that manages to capture and ridicule an entire nation's food culture at the same time. Things like Poutine, or Pizza, or Fish & Chips, or Curry, Tacos, or Sushi, or Pasta. Easily loved, easily distorted, and "accessible". 

It's worth pointing out that the first search result on Google for "Singapore national dish" is Hainanese Chicken Rice, which I guess is kind of tricky for the show's storytelling department, because it stubbornly elides all that talk about "CMIO in a dish". Maybe the reality of what makes a national dish isn't so much the subsumption of all our racial difference into some kind of narratively satisfying melange, but of how it operates across those differences because of the way the dish infiltrates daily life. Chicken rice is a cheap working class meal brought in by late-arriving, dirt-poor migrants, and over the years it's become the easiest bang-for-buck lunch, wrapped in oily brown paper or sweaty styrofoam boxes. I think it's in fair contest with Nasi Lemak in that department. 

I certainly don't think our national dish is more special occasion fare like the Chili Crab people keep insisting is so quintessentially Singaporean. In fact, my money's on there usually being nothing particularly sophisticated or fancy about national dishes, and it is by their everyday-ness that they come to define a city or a country. A national dish doesn't set out to represent, certainly not by knowingly condensing ALL CULTURE into itself. It is through that logic that Peranakan cuisine tries to poise itself as the quintessential cuisine of Singapore because it "merges all our culinary traditions". The hot take here is that the only people making those representational claims are Peranakans themselves, loudly and publicly, on an almost monthly basis.

To be fair, I've had some really good Singapore noodles in my time abroad, and it sure beats the hell out of some of the absolute crap I've paid too much for in those queasily chic mod-Sing joints that smugly "capture the nuances and nostalgic taste sensations of growing up in Singapore" in shot-glasses and Japanese ceramic. I swear if I hear "oyster distillate" or "laksa leaf foam" one more time.

Anyway back to the cook. Oon is making what is clearly the losing dish here, sorry to say. It's squid stuffed with cincalok and herbs and then deep-fried or something, and it really sounds incredibly unambitious. Funnily enough, Oon going for the street-food, humble-fare approach is the most in keeping with the actual spirit of this national dish kerkluffle, but let's accept that the dramaturgy is all over the place with this. "IS THERE A SAUCE TO GO WITH IT?" the judges yell at him with five minutes to go, which is, you know, bad sign. 

Trish, who's been very quiet this cook, has made some kind of modern laksa thing, a rich laksa bisque  meant to be poured over crispy bee-hoon topped with bits of deep-fried seafood. This is the star dish of the challenge, though for the life of me because of the hasty editing I have no idea what the hell has gone into it. It genuinely looks very beautiful, but that's about it. Damian declares it "better than laksa," which, okay, bold claim but I guess you've got to buy your own hype if you're meant to be the GATEKEEPER OF SINGAPORE CUISINE. Trish clearly gets the redemption arc on this episode, from slightly bratty ah lian to Mod Sing Mistress. It's a real coup: she's clearly a strong contender and has a real sense for modern Singapore cooking.

The other star dish is, no surprise, Nor's, a posh kek pisang nanas: steamed banana cake, chocolate, peanuts, and pineapple compote. I mean I say no surprise but Nor is very surprised. Sis you need to stop doubting yourself! Also, Nor starts to cry with joy, which, yknow, I think we can just count on her crying every episode now.

Sadly, Vasun forgets to add her laboriously-prepared prawn-head oil in the final presentation, which leaves her pilaf slightly flat. Mad props to her, she doesn't make any excuses for the blunder, and it's SO HEARTBREAKING to see how angry with herself she is because this could easily have taken the round. So she's in the bottom two, along with Oon's stuffed squid which Audra describes as "pedestrian", and as a dedicated pedestrian I take offence at that. I'll say it again for the back: getting anywhere on two feet is next to divinity.

In the final deliberation, it's Oon whose time in the Masterchef kitchen is up, and it's sad to see him go, dejectedly, totally unable to hug anyone as he does because, well, SOCIAL DISTANCING. 

Overall I think this episode gets a cool 60/100 on the weight of the elimination challenge alone, which marks a glorious return to all the elements that make Masterchef Singapore so engrossing, mainly the SINGAPORE part, which, come on guys, took you long enough. I was almost giving up on you! It was also good to see some genuine creativity under incredibly pressure, which I think tends to reveal itself the less the producers try to extract drama and high-jinks from the proceedings.

On that note: I wish there'd been more focus on what's actually going into the final dishes. For the most part I have no idea how these dishes have been made or what's in them. This is one of my main criticisms of the show: you generally hear the contestants tell you what they're making, see some struggles with the induction cookers, and then miraculously it's all plated up and the judges are making noises, and you just take their word for it that it's good or mediocre. I hope this eases up as the number of contestants dwindles.